Casey Neistat released a video today about SELLOUTS. As all his videos are - it was good - but a large part of why this video got to me, why I'm talking about it right now on my platform is because of the very start of the video.
He talked about when he was younger and about how everything he dreamed of, wasn't limited by anything other than his imagination.
The world was well and truly his oyster. He could do anything he wanted as long as he dreamed he could - until he was living as a high school drop-out, with his impregnated girlfriend in a trailer park at 16 years old. And he had to go get a job, to support himself, her, and his soon to be son, Owen. I think a large part of why this video in particular resonated with me so much, is because that's exactly where I am now. No - I'm not pregnant, or dropping out of school, I'm now having to waiver on my own two feet (I'd say stand but I still get a substantial amount of support from my parents) and look after myself and (kinda, basically) stand on my own two feet. And the reality is settling in that the world is well and truly not my oyster, and there are MANY limitations stopping me from what I want to do and that is shit. I should be able to do WHATEVER I WANT. And even in this stage of life, when I am receiving a hell of a lot of support from everyone - nothing seems achievable - even in this relatively easy stage of my life.
What happens when I'm a fully fledged adult and I'm left to sort things out independently?
In retrospect, looking at the past three years - actually, let's say the past ten years - I have really handled looking after myself (and others) well - in my opinion. When my mum got sick back in 2006 I think I really had to grow up - everything for the next couple years after was about her, which was absolutely fine with me - I was so, so glad she was still around - things could have ended so badly. So looking after her, cooking for everyone, being an older sister (as best I could, sorry Andre) was me standing on my own two feet as best any 12 y/o could.
But now at age 20, up in Birmingham 140 miles away from home, and about the same away from my little brother and I guess I feel empty because I haven't got that family set up around me anymore. Which intensifies the feeling of the responsibility I have, and how I'm not exactly on top of it. I know this is the feeling you get when you grow up and I imagine a 30 y/o would read this and laugh, but right now being in the midst of this feeling is really rubbish and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it.
So is it just gonna be a waiting game 'til I'm out of uni and back in Essex? Will I start to feel like myself again? Is this just a state of limbo I'll be in temporarily as I continue the struggle to "find myself"? Tune in next week, for another episode of... Nah I'm joking. Also joking about the "finding myself" term. I've heard it so much recently it actually is starting to make me gag.
Here's the video below. Have a lil' look. Also, Casey is such a babe, love his videos.
Thanks for listening to me ramble - hope you're enjoying your Sunday,
Christina x
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